In modern day America, us consumers are faced with an astounding abundance of choices in regard to almost everything.
I was wandering the local mall the other day, in search of a good pair of a new pair of shorts for summer. As I entered the first store, what I had first perceived as a large and pleasant display of shorts, morphed into an extremely convoluted and frustrating jumble of cloth. It seemed simple; Find a nice pair of shorts, maybe a few shirts, then leave. I was hit by a dozens of choices-- dark, light, medium wash, or colored, high rise, low rise, some rise in-between, frayed, folded, aztec printed, booty-shorts, khakis, lace-- the list goes on from there. I would pick out one pair I thought was a good one, then turn back to pick out an even better one by comparison. I did this several times. After about a half an hour of contemplation, I left the store empty-handed and frazzled.
In a study done by two graduate students of Stanford and Columbia, it was found that people were generally more satisfied by their end choice, if less options were initially provided. They set up two separate jam stands in a store-- one offering 6 choices, the other with a more elaborate display of 24. While people were more attracted to the larger display (about 60% to 40% of the more limited stand), there was roughly a 27% increase in the number of actual purchases by the samplers at the smaller stand.
Imagine you had to find something to fix for lunch. In one scenario, you were at home and all you had was either a peanut butter sandwich, or a tomato salad. It may take you a few seconds to decide which one you want, as they are very distinctly different options. If you're feeling like you may need something more substantial you'd probably choose the sandwich, if not you'd probably choose the salad. The choice is more than likely an obvious one, and you'd probably be satisfied by the choice you made between the two.
Now, imagine that you need lunch, and you enter a large supermarket. Even if you'd narrowed your options down to a salad, you're now faced with multiple choices: Meat or seafood? Spinach or kale? Cheddar or feta? Ranch or vinaigrette Big or small? Lets say you chose chicken-- even then, fried or baked? Skinless? Diced or cubed? So many options and combinations make it seem like there is an "ideal" option. Like there is a "perfect" choice to be made, and you don't want to choose the one that doesn't live up to the other in comparison. So how do you decide to choose?
This is a question that seems to stump many of us. "One way to tackle the choice problem is to become more comfortable with the idea of “good enough,” said Barry Schwartz, a professor of psychology at Swarthmore College and author of “The Paradox of Choice” (Ecco, 2003).
As an incredible perfectionist, my initial reaction was to reject this idea entirely. "Good enough" is not nearly good enough-- there frankly has to be an optimal option.
...Right?
Of course not. The idea that someone can optimize something to such an extreme level, that caters to every individual everywhere is ludicrous. If different people have different taste (which we clearly do), and most decisions are situational and temporary, how could something possibly be "Perfect"?
The answer is that it can't, obviously. But this is contradictory to what society and the media leads us to believe. There's an astounding amount of variation in the products available to us nowadays, and we're constantly lead to believe that the brand selling a certain product is the "best" option (the billion commercials depicting a Utopian life featuring their product are happy to tell us why).
So, are society, and capitalism paralyzing us, and setting us up for failure? What can we do to help reduce our paradox of choice paralysis? Would we all be more happy as minimalists? And how do we escape idealism, and simply make choices we can be satisfied with?
Friday, June 21, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Contemplating the idea of marriage and dating
I recently read an article from the LA Times on the topic of divorce rates in the Baby Boomer generation. Staff writer Susan L. Brown dubbed the recent trend in couples splitting up in their 50's a "gray divorce" boom. Within the last decade, the amount of Baby Boomers separating has gone from fewer than 10%, to one in four.
So, what's the reason for this trend?
As I thought about this, I remembered studying the 50's in my AP American History class last year (by far, my favorite subject). I remembered how the key point that was taught to my class, was the extreme sense of conformity during this time (look up the song "Little Boxes"-- written satirically during the era). People during this time were getting 9-5 jobs, settling down, having kids, creating families like clockwork. USA Today published a graph showing a sudden drastic drop in the average age of people getting married at this time (Through this decade, the graph showed a point where the average age plummeted to 22.8 in males, and 20.3 in women).
Now, this frightened me for various reasons. The first being the obvious correlation to the social- likeness of this decade to common Utah ideology. Far to many of my friends are "waiting" for missionaries, and are talking about starting up families-- keep in mind, I'm currently a senior in High school. One of my absolute best friends had dated a guy for literally one month, and has been waiting roughly a full year now. She has her dress picked out, he sent her the ring, they've decided on a date, and I think this is absolutely crazy.
I realize different things work for different people, and to impose my own views on others is nothing but detrimental to relationships. This being said, comparing the bulk of my friends idealistic thought processes regarding marriage, up against the statistic that says divorces are 3-4 times more likely to occur if you wed before the age of 20, sort of makes me want to physically shake them. Although I don't typically voice my opinions about my friends and their relationships, the fact that I don't want the exact same thing, as logical as it may be, seems to have limited my dating options as of late.
Recently, I went on a date with a seemingly nice, fun, and successful guy (around the age of 23). We went country- swing dancing, played a childish-- but fun -- game of hide and go seek at the Spectrum in Logan. While the activities were definitely pleasant, the conversation set me on edge; It was almost like I was being interrogated (age, what I'm going into as a career, am I going on a mission (you're not LDS?), and so on).
After hearing that I wasn't LDS, and I didn't plan on starting a family any time soon, his demeanor changed drastically. From trying to show off and being respectful, to borderline derogatory. If I were to say that this hadn't happened on more than one occasion, with more than one guy, I'd be lying. As soon as you indicate that there is slim to no chance of marriage in the next couple years, respect is lost and often you're seen as an object. Either that, or I've had someone incessantly try to convert me to mesh with the idea of early marriage.
It's like societal clockwork. You graduate, you wait for a missionary, or seek out a returned one, you settle down, and have kids. And apparently, studies have shown roughly half get divorced?
If marriage is suppose to provide both emotional and economic stability, I don't quite understand how so many people believe it's a good idea to seek it out before you find those qualities in yourself. Someone still developing, without a career or a solid sense of who they are, should pair up with another unstable and undefined being... and that's supposed to work out well? And what about the impact on kids involved?
And according to the majority of my peers and their families, I'm the odd one out on the subject. I'm not doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing. I'm (definitely not always, but on occasion) being object to gross behavior due to the fact that I want stability before I try to completely integrate into someone's life?
I think that time is the only thing that can reveal a person's true colors, and if you're like my dear friend-- is one month enough to be able to tell if you can stay married your entire existence? In my head, I'm not sure even a couple years would do this. I want to understand every aspect of someone before I commit to spending, sharing, and creating my life with them. I don't understand the aversion to waiting and testing the waters.
Instead of being asked what I do or where I'll be in two years, it'd be nice for someone to query about who I currently am, and why (I'm usually genuinely interested) . And if our views on things don't clash, I'd still liked to stray away from being treated as an object, or people assuming I'm a complete whore (not wanting to get married, doesn't exactly equate to a lack of standards or morality, sorry to say).
Society and logic are seeming to clash for me as of late. And being raised in this one (predominantly Mormon) town, I'm not sure what many other perspectives there are regarding the subject of dating or marriage.
So, what's the reason for this trend?
As I thought about this, I remembered studying the 50's in my AP American History class last year (by far, my favorite subject). I remembered how the key point that was taught to my class, was the extreme sense of conformity during this time (look up the song "Little Boxes"-- written satirically during the era). People during this time were getting 9-5 jobs, settling down, having kids, creating families like clockwork. USA Today published a graph showing a sudden drastic drop in the average age of people getting married at this time (Through this decade, the graph showed a point where the average age plummeted to 22.8 in males, and 20.3 in women).
Now, this frightened me for various reasons. The first being the obvious correlation to the social- likeness of this decade to common Utah ideology. Far to many of my friends are "waiting" for missionaries, and are talking about starting up families-- keep in mind, I'm currently a senior in High school. One of my absolute best friends had dated a guy for literally one month, and has been waiting roughly a full year now. She has her dress picked out, he sent her the ring, they've decided on a date, and I think this is absolutely crazy.
I realize different things work for different people, and to impose my own views on others is nothing but detrimental to relationships. This being said, comparing the bulk of my friends idealistic thought processes regarding marriage, up against the statistic that says divorces are 3-4 times more likely to occur if you wed before the age of 20, sort of makes me want to physically shake them. Although I don't typically voice my opinions about my friends and their relationships, the fact that I don't want the exact same thing, as logical as it may be, seems to have limited my dating options as of late.
Recently, I went on a date with a seemingly nice, fun, and successful guy (around the age of 23). We went country- swing dancing, played a childish-- but fun -- game of hide and go seek at the Spectrum in Logan. While the activities were definitely pleasant, the conversation set me on edge; It was almost like I was being interrogated (age, what I'm going into as a career, am I going on a mission (you're not LDS?), and so on).
After hearing that I wasn't LDS, and I didn't plan on starting a family any time soon, his demeanor changed drastically. From trying to show off and being respectful, to borderline derogatory. If I were to say that this hadn't happened on more than one occasion, with more than one guy, I'd be lying. As soon as you indicate that there is slim to no chance of marriage in the next couple years, respect is lost and often you're seen as an object. Either that, or I've had someone incessantly try to convert me to mesh with the idea of early marriage.
It's like societal clockwork. You graduate, you wait for a missionary, or seek out a returned one, you settle down, and have kids. And apparently, studies have shown roughly half get divorced?
If marriage is suppose to provide both emotional and economic stability, I don't quite understand how so many people believe it's a good idea to seek it out before you find those qualities in yourself. Someone still developing, without a career or a solid sense of who they are, should pair up with another unstable and undefined being... and that's supposed to work out well? And what about the impact on kids involved?
And according to the majority of my peers and their families, I'm the odd one out on the subject. I'm not doing what I'm "supposed" to be doing. I'm (definitely not always, but on occasion) being object to gross behavior due to the fact that I want stability before I try to completely integrate into someone's life?
I think that time is the only thing that can reveal a person's true colors, and if you're like my dear friend-- is one month enough to be able to tell if you can stay married your entire existence? In my head, I'm not sure even a couple years would do this. I want to understand every aspect of someone before I commit to spending, sharing, and creating my life with them. I don't understand the aversion to waiting and testing the waters.
Instead of being asked what I do or where I'll be in two years, it'd be nice for someone to query about who I currently am, and why (I'm usually genuinely interested) . And if our views on things don't clash, I'd still liked to stray away from being treated as an object, or people assuming I'm a complete whore (not wanting to get married, doesn't exactly equate to a lack of standards or morality, sorry to say).
Society and logic are seeming to clash for me as of late. And being raised in this one (predominantly Mormon) town, I'm not sure what many other perspectives there are regarding the subject of dating or marriage.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
A peaceful over-analysis while tinkering on the side of detachment...
Over the past year, I've been toying with the idea of trading societal conformity and participation with intrinsic validation paired with almost total transparency and openness. While being in recovery from the ten-year mental manifestation of "pro-Ana and Mia" (especially Mia), I've come to find true peace in staying primarily in my own head.
Now, by no means does this indicate that I don't participate in engaging with other individuals-- in fact, I'm an avid believer that human connection is imperative to happiness. This being said, I also disregard the idea of conforming to your peers at the cost of individuality and honesty.
My Junior year of High school (that would be last year) was catalyzed by a reconstruction of myself the preceding summer. That summer, not only had I made the cheer team in an effort for attainment of visibility, but my 9- year struggle with Bulimia Nervosa really seemed to "pay off" (or so I thought at the time). Through extremes of binging, fasting, and purging, I lost an accumulative 40 pounds. Along with that came a great deal of attention and an almost ludicrous amount of validation from my peer group. Talking with an old friend the other day, it struck me when she said something along lines of me going from "Zero, to running the place in two months".
I thought this was absolutely great; I was being asked to Homecoming by the starting Corner-back, getting two-syllable "Damn's" in the halls, and being told I was the most talented and attractive cheerleader on the team by girls and boys alike. In order to maintain this persona I genuinely attributed to my eating disorder, my abnormal behaviors became acclimated.
In the effort to keep with to the enormous amount outside validation, I became more and more a facade of physical desirability. I bought extensions (while my own hair fell out by the handful), only wore high heels in order to make my stout legs look longer, and an entire new wardrobe consisting of tight tops and blinged-out BUCKLE jeans. Even the way I acted was entirely based upon what would get me the most positive response from someone. It was manipulative-- my personality was totally malleable to whomever I was with at the time.
While I periodically had an extreme sense of joy when I was being seen and acknowledged, I was dominantly consumed by insecurity and was actively seeking out that approval from everyone around me. By the end of last May, I had stolen hundreds of dollars worth of binge-food money from my parents, demolished my family relationships, and was physically a mess. My hair had bald spots, I had obsessively over-plucked my eyebrows to the point of near non-existence, my teeth were thin, grey, and had minuscule chips in them, and I had been lethargic and throwing up blood for weeks.
When I finally came to the realization that what I was doing wasn't working, I radically withdrew from society. I hung out with no one besides my (wonderful) parents and brother for nearly the entire summer. I stopped watching television and surfing the net due to the fact that I couldn't do so without idealizing and comparing my own life to those depicted. I shut off my phone, and just sat with myself. It was like I fell off the face of the planet. I had no one to compare myself to-- I was left with nothing but my own life.
The funny thing about my near- elimination of human interaction, was that I've never achieved so much peace. I was forced to intrinsically validate myself, and by doing so I felt better about almost every aspect of my life. I became more transparent (with myself as well as others), open, insightful, conscientiousness, grateful, incredibly health-conscience, and driven by integrity. I stopped wearing extensions, got rid of half of my wardrobe, applied for a volunteering opportunity in Peru, and became obsessed with traveling/ gaining different perspectives on life.
Now, as Senior year has progressed, along with having more of a social life, I've found myself slipping back into old habits (hair extensions, flashy jeans, more makeup...) Also, I've been questioning my self-worth more, and have been relying on others to tell me I'm okay. I act in a certain way to be perceived in a certain way. Because sitting around, studying Buddhism, making gratitude lists, drawing and journaling compulsively, biking and doing yoga, watching ted-talks and documentaries, aren't socially acceptable by my peer group.
This begs the question-- does social conformity come at the cost of authenticity? If so, do I want to give in to this notion? Is being at nearly a state of Nirvana worth losing the approval of my peers? Or is the price not too steep compared to the security of validation and affection? I find meaning in my family, volunteer work, and quality interactions with a small, select group of friends-- should I neglect everyone else solely because I tend to lose myself when I do?
The answer, I believe, is yes. As odd as it may sound, my want to attain the same kind of mind-frame as last summer seems so imperative to me that I'm willing to neglect the majority in order to peacefully sink into an individualized place of belonging and authenticity in the minority (despite the fact that this can get pretty lonely from time-to time.
So bring on a summer of my odd enjoyments, volunteering, exploration, and genuine connections with my small, select group of friends (while staying open-minded to others, but not conforming to the majority). I'll leave worrying about being an object of desirability and getting married and starting a family by nineteen or twenty (yes, here in Utah, it really is the social norm), to the rest of my senior class.
“Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”
― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild
Now, by no means does this indicate that I don't participate in engaging with other individuals-- in fact, I'm an avid believer that human connection is imperative to happiness. This being said, I also disregard the idea of conforming to your peers at the cost of individuality and honesty.
My Junior year of High school (that would be last year) was catalyzed by a reconstruction of myself the preceding summer. That summer, not only had I made the cheer team in an effort for attainment of visibility, but my 9- year struggle with Bulimia Nervosa really seemed to "pay off" (or so I thought at the time). Through extremes of binging, fasting, and purging, I lost an accumulative 40 pounds. Along with that came a great deal of attention and an almost ludicrous amount of validation from my peer group. Talking with an old friend the other day, it struck me when she said something along lines of me going from "Zero, to running the place in two months".
I thought this was absolutely great; I was being asked to Homecoming by the starting Corner-back, getting two-syllable "Damn's" in the halls, and being told I was the most talented and attractive cheerleader on the team by girls and boys alike. In order to maintain this persona I genuinely attributed to my eating disorder, my abnormal behaviors became acclimated.
In the effort to keep with to the enormous amount outside validation, I became more and more a facade of physical desirability. I bought extensions (while my own hair fell out by the handful), only wore high heels in order to make my stout legs look longer, and an entire new wardrobe consisting of tight tops and blinged-out BUCKLE jeans. Even the way I acted was entirely based upon what would get me the most positive response from someone. It was manipulative-- my personality was totally malleable to whomever I was with at the time.
While I periodically had an extreme sense of joy when I was being seen and acknowledged, I was dominantly consumed by insecurity and was actively seeking out that approval from everyone around me. By the end of last May, I had stolen hundreds of dollars worth of binge-food money from my parents, demolished my family relationships, and was physically a mess. My hair had bald spots, I had obsessively over-plucked my eyebrows to the point of near non-existence, my teeth were thin, grey, and had minuscule chips in them, and I had been lethargic and throwing up blood for weeks.
When I finally came to the realization that what I was doing wasn't working, I radically withdrew from society. I hung out with no one besides my (wonderful) parents and brother for nearly the entire summer. I stopped watching television and surfing the net due to the fact that I couldn't do so without idealizing and comparing my own life to those depicted. I shut off my phone, and just sat with myself. It was like I fell off the face of the planet. I had no one to compare myself to-- I was left with nothing but my own life.
The funny thing about my near- elimination of human interaction, was that I've never achieved so much peace. I was forced to intrinsically validate myself, and by doing so I felt better about almost every aspect of my life. I became more transparent (with myself as well as others), open, insightful, conscientiousness, grateful, incredibly health-conscience, and driven by integrity. I stopped wearing extensions, got rid of half of my wardrobe, applied for a volunteering opportunity in Peru, and became obsessed with traveling/ gaining different perspectives on life.
Now, as Senior year has progressed, along with having more of a social life, I've found myself slipping back into old habits (hair extensions, flashy jeans, more makeup...) Also, I've been questioning my self-worth more, and have been relying on others to tell me I'm okay. I act in a certain way to be perceived in a certain way. Because sitting around, studying Buddhism, making gratitude lists, drawing and journaling compulsively, biking and doing yoga, watching ted-talks and documentaries, aren't socially acceptable by my peer group.
This begs the question-- does social conformity come at the cost of authenticity? If so, do I want to give in to this notion? Is being at nearly a state of Nirvana worth losing the approval of my peers? Or is the price not too steep compared to the security of validation and affection? I find meaning in my family, volunteer work, and quality interactions with a small, select group of friends-- should I neglect everyone else solely because I tend to lose myself when I do?
The answer, I believe, is yes. As odd as it may sound, my want to attain the same kind of mind-frame as last summer seems so imperative to me that I'm willing to neglect the majority in order to peacefully sink into an individualized place of belonging and authenticity in the minority (despite the fact that this can get pretty lonely from time-to time.
So bring on a summer of my odd enjoyments, volunteering, exploration, and genuine connections with my small, select group of friends (while staying open-minded to others, but not conforming to the majority). I'll leave worrying about being an object of desirability and getting married and starting a family by nineteen or twenty (yes, here in Utah, it really is the social norm), to the rest of my senior class.
“Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.”
― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild
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