A peaceful over-analysis while tinkering on the side of detachment...

   Over the past year, I've been toying with the idea of trading societal conformity and participation with intrinsic validation paired with almost total transparency and openness. While being in recovery from the ten-year mental manifestation of "pro-Ana and Mia" (especially Mia), I've come to find true peace in staying primarily in my own head.
   Now, by no means does this indicate that I don't participate in engaging with other individuals-- in fact, I'm an avid believer that human connection is imperative to happiness. This being said, I also disregard the idea of conforming to your peers at the cost of individuality and honesty.
   My Junior year of High school (that would be last year) was catalyzed by a reconstruction of myself the preceding summer. That summer, not only had I made the cheer team in an effort for attainment of visibility, but my 9- year struggle with Bulimia Nervosa really seemed to "pay off" (or so I thought at the time). Through extremes of binging, fasting, and purging, I lost an accumulative 40 pounds. Along with that came a great deal of attention and an almost ludicrous amount of validation from my peer group. Talking with an old friend the other day, it struck me when she said something along lines of me going from "Zero, to running the place in two months".
   I thought this was absolutely great; I was being asked to Homecoming by the starting Corner-back, getting two-syllable "Damn's" in the halls, and being told I was the most talented and attractive cheerleader on the team by girls and boys alike.  In order to maintain this persona I genuinely attributed to my eating disorder, my abnormal behaviors became acclimated.
   In the effort to keep with to the enormous amount outside validation, I became more and more a facade of physical desirability. I bought extensions (while my own hair fell out by the handful), only wore high heels in order to make my stout legs look longer, and an entire new wardrobe consisting of tight tops and blinged-out BUCKLE jeans. Even the way I acted was entirely based upon what would get me the most positive response from someone. It was manipulative-- my personality was totally malleable to whomever I was with at the time.
   While I periodically had an extreme sense of joy when I was being seen and acknowledged, I was dominantly consumed by insecurity and was actively seeking out that approval from everyone around me. By the end of last May, I had stolen hundreds of dollars worth of binge-food money from my parents, demolished my family relationships, and was physically a mess. My hair had bald spots, I had obsessively over-plucked my eyebrows to the point of near non-existence, my teeth were thin, grey, and had minuscule chips in them, and I had been lethargic and throwing up blood for weeks.
   When I finally came to the realization that what I was doing wasn't working, I radically withdrew from society. I hung out with no one besides my (wonderful) parents and brother for nearly the entire summer. I stopped watching television and surfing the net due to the fact that I couldn't do so without idealizing and comparing my own life to those depicted. I shut off my phone, and just sat with myself. It was like I fell off the face of the planet. I had no one to compare myself to-- I was left with nothing but my own life.
    The funny thing about my near- elimination of human interaction, was that I've never achieved so much peace. I was forced to  intrinsically validate myself, and by doing so I felt better about almost every aspect of my life. I became more transparent (with myself as well as others), open, insightful, conscientiousness, grateful, incredibly health-conscience, and driven by integrity. I stopped wearing extensions, got rid of half of my wardrobe, applied for a volunteering opportunity in Peru, and became obsessed with traveling/ gaining different perspectives on life.
   Now, as Senior year has progressed, along with having more of a social life, I've found myself slipping back into old habits (hair extensions, flashy jeans, more makeup...) Also, I've been questioning my self-worth more, and have been relying on others to tell me I'm okay. I act in a certain way to be perceived in a certain way. Because sitting around, studying Buddhism, making gratitude lists, drawing and journaling compulsively, biking and doing yoga, watching ted-talks and documentaries, aren't socially acceptable by my peer group.
   This begs the question-- does social conformity come at the cost of authenticity? If so, do I want to give in to this notion? Is being at nearly a state of Nirvana worth losing the approval of my peers? Or is the price not too steep compared to the security of validation and affection? I find meaning in my family, volunteer work, and quality interactions with a small, select group of friends-- should I neglect everyone else solely because I tend to lose myself when I do?
   The answer, I believe, is yes. As odd as it may sound, my want to attain the same kind of mind-frame as last summer seems so imperative to me that I'm willing to neglect the majority in order to peacefully sink into an individualized place of belonging and authenticity in the minority (despite the fact that this can get pretty lonely from time-to time.
   So bring on a summer of my odd enjoyments, volunteering, exploration, and genuine connections with my small, select group of friends (while staying open-minded to others, but not conforming to the majority). I'll leave worrying about being an object of desirability and getting married and starting a family by nineteen or twenty  (yes, here in Utah, it really is the social norm), to the rest of my senior class.

    “Make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security and adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning and its incredible beauty.” 
― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild